:: roadSassy ::

:: Wednesday, June 05, 2002 ::

It would get a tad tedious to keep a blog per mood. When I'm in a ranting mode, usually incited by the usual inflammatory, i.e., Cincinnati politics, race capers ala Jesse Jackson and his horde of devouring little Jesse locusts, war appeasers or right to lifers...well that could be the ranting platform blog. Then I'm in a pondering , philosophical mode and things get rather 'journal' like, which, as I understand Blogger etiquette, is a no-no. 'Blog' comes from 'weblogs', implicit in title is that you LOG the web via links referring readers to sites expanding on your particular discourse.

I also want 'the road' to continue as the main theme, given I simply live the road and live on the road and spent the majority of my youth on the road. So. Road it is. Which actually presents, in itself, the obvious layout. As I 'travel, exercising and employing my limo life tales, and find myself veering too much into one or another kind of 'off blog' topic, if you will, I'll just present an off ramp to that particular blog.
Which brings me, for whatever reason, to some links on the Carlyle group. I'm not sure of their credibility. I realize one may actually choose ones news on the net and find only what pleases them to believe. I don't want to believe nefarious things about the bush administrations, but surely this type of info gives one pause. I imagine the thing is to see how the conservatives cover the same material. Yet, there appear to be those republicans who are increasingly disenchanted with the Bush. Limbaugh, being one of the more consistently critical, citing economic and domestic policies so diluted by liberal accommodations as to be indistinguishable from some stuff that would have issued from the Clinton administration.
And then there is today's 180. Bush announces that, after all, it's us humans fucking up the planet. Gee, ya think?!? Of course, this accommodates those nations pissed at us for some ecological accord we refused to sign back pre- 9eleven. You remember, when the Bush seemed intent on alienating all our allies.

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Hey look at this shit. .More censorship. An officer, seemingly in possession of sufficient years and credentials to merit a fair hearing. But, be that as it may, he violated some eclectic military code, Article 88, proscribing "contemptuous words" used against "the president or other senior officers" and is subject, thus, to a court fucking martial, Hallelujah, swear to Gawd the end is near. In the comfort of our present freedom, I can sit ensconced in all that succors me, exercising the freedoms I breathe, and thus, not yet, feel the razor cold winds coming, should this stealthy, piece by piece vivisection of our freedoms proceed.
Here, I'm gonna go find a link to this site that is so amateurish and garish, but, none the less, offering some penetrating angles and interpretations and guaranteed to turn the more shaken among us into card carrying conspiracy freaks. but, being in possession of my somewhat addled faculties, I view it askance, not quite sure of whose voice and brain is offering these words as truth. Here It looks ridiculous,but, when time allows, there are enough verifiable names and sources to give an indication how reliable their info is.

:: ann walker 1:33 PM [+]

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**Random Thoughts**

**The rain is about her business, mixing it up with saucy breezes but , even so, it is a slow intentional rain. Summer is lush and I don't feel at all lush. More like slush. Mushed slush. Buttery. If someone tried to hug or embrace me I'd jump out of my skin. No matter how thin others say I am, I, can feel the weight of me. More than I'd care to have embraced.

**Is it not rather disingenuous for the FBI to defend their enlarged powers by stating now the agents have the same investigative powers the public has. The complete truth is that the public has not the same power the FBI has. We may be able to investigate as deeply as money and resources allow any private joe to pursue information, but we haven't the power to utilize the info, arrest or destroy lives with what we learn.

**It is also a tad deceptive to implement all these changes in order to assure we are not caught off guard the next time. Thing is, they already HAD the necessary info to prevent it, info gathered within the purview of old FBI mandates. The onus was on them to 'connect the dots', (a phrase in the last few days that has already been used way too much) so the failure is utilization and analysis and communication, internally. They have not once said that info they can now legally collect would have prevented nine eleven. The info was obtainable before, had been obtained. They failed to figure it out. But they are using this to justify more sweeping measures when they could not even handle the lesser amount of data previously available to them.
"Had the new guidelines been in place last summer, the FBI field agents in Minneapolis would not have had to get headquarters approval for seeking a search warrant in the Moussaoui case. Approval could now come from the "special agent in charge" at a field office." CNN.com . See, it is their internal apparatus that prevented communication of vital data, not lack of data.

**Yeah, I know we need to be omniscient, it would seem. But what next? Let's say one of these frigging suicide sluts enter a suburban mall. Let's say in Houston. Kills 50 people. Public is outraged. They clamor for 'more security'. What security can prevent these small, undetectable, under the radar, individual human trajectories? It may be able to identify the larger group supporting this activity but not the little human 'satellite' acting largely on their own. No. We can swat at the individual killer bees, as it were, but if we can't destroy the Mother nest, well.... And THAT is something mr. average joe can't accomplish. Unless something more profitable than oil comes into the game. Until men in general quit wanting to rule the fucking planet. Until, until, until..the fucking cows come home, mr average joe can only hold on tight while the religious zealots and monstrous egos out there rock the planet.

*Another thing too. Maybe a couple of things. Where are all those frigging militia nuts now? The ones hoarding food and ammo and teaching military strategy to their kids. If they don't want to fight for the government , why are they not offering their services as mercenaries, or doing something for the country they have such ardor for. Probably hunkering down and hoarding even more for the day it all collapses, when they will probably be feeling quite smug about the situation.

**And this. You just try to eliminate racial profiling the day the first suicide slut hits. There are going to be quite a few of innocent dead Arabs and Muslims. Inevitable. But, what I truly, most ardently feel is inevitable, should terrorism frequent our cities, is that they will restrict OUR freedom to cross state lines and they will justify it by saying that to filter these little suicide sluts out, they must intensify the net. Then let us say transportation of goods in this country is substantially impacted and you have huge city populations unable to get basic goods. Then comes black market and then comes gangs and , bottom line, it will not seem a very safe proposition to live in the city. But guess what. Lot's of folks will have come to same conclusion and there will be exodus to the farmlands and the mountains and the vast reaches of America formerly utilized for vacation purposes only. But those mountain and farm folk, well, they are not going to welcome us with open arms and succor. more likely gun fire. More likely you will not be PERMITTED to move. More likely you might become a prisoner to your present address. That is utterly terrifying. The day I can not jump in my Jeep with a suitcase and a prayer, and hit the highways to find or create a new life... . Whatever. The day there isn't gas to buy, the day I need 'paperwork' to cross over into Kentucky. That day, is the day America, as I know it anyway, will be dead. If there are no freedoms like that, there is no America.

**Summer, or the pageants of summer, are inexorable. Music playing softly in backyards as people brush pastry crumbs off the morning paper, sip their coffee and ponder a fat succulent sunny Sunday, American style. Baseball, boating, recreation parks, camping, swimming, hiking. With beer and music and hot dogs and hamburgers and Beach Boy tunes in the sound track. We are America. Don't fuck with us. I think I'm seriously going to pursue lessons at the shooting range. A good American should. No? Help out the beleaguered FBI. Somehow I don't think they are going to help me.
:: ann walker 9:30 AM [+]

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Yesterday on the news they outlined some of the FBI's powers. They strongly suggest that Mr. Citizen will have much less power. Now the FBI can basically monitor the web, political and religious groups, all with impunity. So, conceivably, if one has some terrorist keywords on their website or in correspondence, or thrown into a cyberspace chat room, whatever search engines the FBI concoct ( which I imagine will be impressive) will ferret out the nefarious words and examine them for possible terrorist intent. or something.
Question. Can not some kind of mechanism be built into these new 'laws' that prevent their continuing past a certain date or 'event'? A review that would ascertain if conditions remain that require their implementation. The phrase 'war powers' comes to mind. Martial law. I realize that perhaps there may never be a date when terrorism is eradicated, but there will have to come a time when it is determined a measure of safety exists. No?
to be continued.....
:: ann walker 6:14 AM [+]

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This Clear Channel situation is getting on my nerves. Here, Marconi award winner Bill Cunningham, one of the top talk show hosts in the country, is removed from the air, suspended for a week, and no one says anything about it. A Salon article is only one of over 30 pieces critical of Clear Channel that I found in an initial Google search link. Bottom line, Bush and some L. Lowrey Mayes dude, a C.C. owner, are tight. Gee. Ya think? Bush's home state hosts Clear Channel headquarters. AND.........the Feds are either about to start investigating them or rumbling about it , but my guess is George will keep the snarling inquirers at bay if 'Clearly Humanly Challenged Channel' would only step on, alter and or reduce the redoubtable, high decibels that IS Cunningham. Suspended him. Same outfit that, after 9.11, reputedly attempted to yank a long list of fine tunes off it's airwaves. Way too many airwaves, is what these folks have.
Hell. All one can do is speculate but it is disconcerting to find Bush popping up with prior Bin laden business connections, buds with the Saudis, Carlyle Group ...... well, hell, that's damn near incest. In fact, Bush is just a 'pop-up' president, in many places he ought not be, in my view.
Which I will have to explore piece by piece. This blogging is going to have to conform to my time frame, which doesn't give me much time to relax and did deep and research. Or I'm so tired I can't keep the head up. But, amazed I am that the Enquirer or no other medium I have yet found noted this suspension. Amazed at the depraved corporate monster CC is. Amazed this city is still besieged by the viral racial agents infecting our streets and masses.
And I don't have any more time to be amazed. Thunder has been sounding at a distance for awhile and a storm does approach, so Ill need more driving time.
I will, for my sake, moi, being the only attendee here, get the links working or added in short order.
:: ann walker 11:35 AM [+]

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I'm becoming much too distracted trying to learn this blogging thing as opposed to actually writing. Which, no doubt, is avoidance. I'm basically running on the assumption that this blog will never get a hit and I can swirl in my narrow orbit in almost assured obscurity. That being noted, I still do wish to learn how to create links and also bring the link over from other sites... well, have since done this .

between trips.

These have been driving days.

The sky is puffed up in high strutting clouds and I can feel the backslap of the wind, strong and protesting the length of my car as I sail against her. Some roads just simply dance. Here is where you pick up speed, here the curve takes you, now, punch it, now coast. There is a road name Donaldson that winds like lazy ribbon behind Greater Cincinnati/Northern Kentucky Airport. Off of it I reach the flight observation lot, and from there I see a dance of man and earth that catches my breath. The ribbon of road leaps up and sideways, so as the cars and busses and limos take the curve, they appear suspended perpendicular to the earth. It is at that moment that often a plane will be making its final approach on the adjacent runway , purchasing the earth as cars seem to spin sideways away from it, a beautiful synchronous moment of fluid power. The sky and earth are smudged with the plums and charcoals of twilight , punctuated by the hyphenated stream of headlights weaving next to the shimmering airfield. Above, in the lowering darkness, the sky is a glitter with approaching flights circling, waiting to touch earth.
Why does this fascinate me? I'm so always amazed by what we, man, are capable of. It amazes me, the thousands of details and coordinated effort that simple transportation is. All over the planet, millions of airfields. Billions of highway miles. Will it all be lost because most of our species are hell-bent on control and rogue gods and specious religions. It can be gone in a heartbeat. One dirty bomb too many and we are back in prehistoric times. Will those remaining with memories of our time speak of such scenes as I described? Will it fade to myths, the days when man owned the air and sky? Fuck religion and all their frigging gods. That what I say. Fuck 'em and amen.

:: ann walker 3:29 AM [+]

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the road, the road. escape. freedom. my ideal seems to be my having the courage to head west, in my jeep, on my own steam. But I linger at the crossroads. Hell, I've lingered so long I've actually established a frigging city, it would seem. Immobilized? paralyzed? Dense? Jesus. Well, much frustration but that would get into the 'drama' of it and that is usually a distorting lens, wrong turn, dead end. So, the actuality is, that I seem to be in stasis? I simply do not know which next step to take. Assuming I'd be brave enough to take it. Given up? Closer to the truth. Seperated from passion. Yes. Very much. Passion, be it anger or desperation, or.......love , is a necessary fuel. I'm out.
And i follow a pattern. The 'vicarious vice', were i to name it, is apt enough. I tend to live life thru others, vicariously experiencing the world far removed from the actual sensation/experience of it. Quite safe. I love the road? Well, I'm a chauffeur. Tasting scintillating morsels of LIFE via the very alive people who pass behind me, in the back seat, faces hidden by shadows. "Yes sir, you have a home in Europe as well? Awesome sir."...... Pathetic. Amusing. I watch thru the rear view mirror the parade of lives that I'll never live. A vice this is. I conclude. Safe and warm and comfortable but ultimately a dead end ( to belabor the road metaphor)

...random journal entry. 01.01.02

:: ann walker 9:43 PM [+]

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trying for a link to my beginning site
:: ann walker 8:53 PM [+]

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i keep trying to capture an hour, maybe 3 in a row, any lengthly amount of time stitched seamlessly together without one frigging demand on my time. Where? How?
:: ann walker 5:10 AM [+]

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boycott cincinnati spit and venom .. channel 5 news forums

From ARRW posted on 03-05-2002, 8:05 PM

Picture this.... remember how the Pope rides down the street? Safe within a bullet-proof plexiglass shelter? Well that same type of 'glass' box seems to be around many of the city's politicians and citizens... They appear to be so concerned and so willing to embrace change- vehemently denying any intent to divide... but the REAL change in Cinti will begin at home. With who we befriend, who we 'gather' with - take a look at the bars you frequent, your churches, your hang-outs, your playing fields - what's the race ratio? Are there more Black servants than participants? For the outward divisive appearance is just that - it outwardly shows what's on the inside of us. Call it unintended selection or outright separatism...whichever the intent, together they bring about the same atmosphere.....

ARRRW
You are quite right in what you state but , other than overt social engineering, I see no way to counter this. One doesn't make friends according to a racial quota. One develops friendships concurrent with one's social and business activities. The path I have walked in this life very rarely led me into a predominantly or even peripheral interaction with people of color. Not by my design. I grew up in a school district that maybe had 6 or seven African Americans. There were virtually zero AA in the community I grew up in. A career primarily in real estate and property management did not bring me into contact with minority colleagues to any great degree. As you note in your post, the race ratios in my every day environment bring me into minimal contact. Period. I guess one could surmise from this that any views I have held on racial equality were developed in a vacuum. Now, they are being put to the test. Though my posts may not reflect an even handed disposition, I have always vehemently opposed racism , or so I thought. I guess the principle is easy to defend but the practice hard to define. I do question my own sincerity. Yet, I think back to my youngest sons' high school years when his defense of a young black friend brought him close to suspension. I like to think he learned that from me. It was certainly taught. But, when I think about it, what good did it do to espouse support of racial equality when not one person of color entered our home or formed part of our social fabric. Not by design. Simply because the numbers aren't there. Even now, as an adult, living an urban area, none of my immediate neighbors are minorities, my work involves minimal contact with any humans and, being primarily a loner, I encounter few social situations, such as bars and clubs in which to cultivate friendships. Unless one consciously decides to go and befriend a minority, my guess is many white people are like me. Very involved in busy lives with minimal time or opportunity to learn about the culture of another race.
Now whether I have a civic duty to make an effort to change this is another question which I am debating. I even question the validity of civic 'duty'. Be that as it may, my colorless world is not a result of personal prejudice but circumstances. My disputes with some on this forum has more to do with work ethics and attitudes of entitlement which I would argue applies across the board raciallyThere are similar attitudes rife in the white welfare ranks. I don't think it reflects racism to insist one is responsible for ones own life no matter how unfair the odds are. Period.
But, if you are still reading this forum, I wonder what suggestions you have for your "glass box".

Zee

(random communication from the soon to appear "A White Woman Wonders if She is Racist and Does She Really Fucking Care?")

:: ann walker 4:48 PM [+]

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boycott cincinnati spit and venom .. channel 5 news forums

To the forever obtuse july;

1.You seem to fail to recognize the tone of my posts were pitched to the tone of yours. If you can honestly view your posts void of the same derogatory, uneducated tone that you ascribe to mine than your presence here is disingenuous at best.

2. You don't seem to understand that your education, background, and relationship to your god is of absolutely no interest to anyone but yourself. As indicated elsewhere, those who have it ,have no need to flaunt it. Who knows. You're probably the first in your generation to get beyond high school. Strut your stuff where someone will be impressed. What you describe as such laudable achievements are par for the course within my circle.

3. You are so typical of Christians who cannot distinguish between religious dogma and spirituality. I spent a decade dissecting the bible you hide behind and my studies lead me to realize the fallacies therein and the proof of my conclusions were so frequently and amply demonstrated in the manipulative ugly spirit of most christians out there , which you so readily exemplify.

4. I attempt to impress none with my use of language. I simply write how I speak and I can't find any 'big words' in my posts,but, then again, I should consider the reader. What is interesting is that you think it is 'fair' to 'dumb down' or apply the KISS principle. I guess its fair if you are addressing illiterates, but july, you are addressing a city here, not your peers. dumb it down at church. What an odd concept of fair though, to assume those who read here require you to patronize them. More of your christian compassion I imagine.

5. The rest of your post is about you and has no relevance here. But please do not pretend that you have in anyway provided valuable information or constructive insights to this arena. You by far are the most egregious case of self adulation that I have encountered in a long time.
You know a friend told me that no matter how earnestly I attempt to communicate here, if the recipient of these words is stupid, there can be no hearing of them. And it is your complete self infatuation and its attendant distortions that dumb you down lady. But you have no capacity to recognize it.
6. I have been browsing black web sites, listening to black radio, seeking to understand the nature of prejudice ,and, with the rare exception, all the voices sound like you. From a young man reveling in the promise of reparations in the form of gold, his greed for money and pay back resonant in his sneering voice to the young writer bragging that he can make tennis balls into explosives and damn the cop who chases him, "the sucka gonna be playing tennis in hell." To your smug voice july. Bragging about some back door community meetings where you and yours chortle and snort at the white man posts. My god, who knows what editing you apply. Your duplicities are appalling. What audacity to, in the same frigging breath, claim to seek community healing. How perverse is pride, how sadly perverse.
7. Fortunately, I heard an intelligent, articulate black gentleman discussing his book on PBS "Loosing the Race" I believe he called it. If his voice is out there then there must be others. Perhaps they will persuade me that the conclusions I am reaching about your race are erroneous. So I shall search elsewhere and won't belabor you with my "big" words any longer. Because frankly, if it assists you in your endeavors in any way, I want no part of it. In fact, for now, the less help I can give those of your race, the better. I think I'll start to make a practice of it. Be glad. Looks like your boycott is working. Changed my mind.

I am deaf to you now. Rant on july. Rant on. the room is empty.

zee

random communication from the soon to appear "A White Woman Wonders if She is Racist and Does She Really Fucking Care?"
:: ann walker 11:11 AM [+]

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boycott cincinnati spit and venom .. channel 5 news forums

My dear pathetic little JULY. You continue to make a fool of yourself in this forum. Oh well. It would seem with all those degrees (a little affirmative action going on sweetie? What did I hear the other day? Oh yeah, many of those who gain their education via affirmative action are chosen NOT by academic merit but as a result of satisfying a quota. Minor detail.) Anyway, it would seem, given your profound amount of learning, that you would be able to distinguish between a biblical characters' implied outstanding character and a murderer. Oh, I know. You are privy to all the details of O.J.s' life and the circumstances of the crime but, please, spare us another diatribe on his acquittal if you will. None the less, a murderer is not quite interchangeable with the good Samaritan and I won't tax my patience and your scintillating intellect attempting to elaborate on the obvious. That you would be so naive as to believe his motives were altruistic is laughable . The fool needs the bucks. End of freaking story.

JulY: >>Trust me, if you ever met me, you would change your mind. I have people like you as appetizers. You are no challenge to me. I can tell that you have no idea what the hell is going on in this city, and when someone does challenge your tiny little brain, you panic, and begin to try to insult that person<<

Trust me. You never will meet me. So far no one has challenged me about my few posts so I have no idea what you are referring to. Thing is, you probably don't either. As far as insulting you. Purely intentional. Consider it pay back for insulting everyone with your constant mental masturbation in this forum. As far as what I know about 'this city', I can only base on my background and experience, which, I assure you, bears no resemblance to yours.The gist of what I have said, and which you amply prove, is that your culture is sadly lacking in pride, accountability and leadership. I hope someone amongst you take the reins soon or your demise as a people will continue ( as described in the USA Today article I posted) unabated.

JULY: >>I'm not a clerk, I probably make more money per week than you do bi-weekly.<<

I don't know why your earning power bears any relationship to anything said here. Guess you're just 'right proud of yourself'. I assume this is how you measure your value and those of your friends. Not surprised. I would expect nothing less from a 'christian' who is fond of O. J. Fine. Makes me happy. It simply means you won't be at the public till for whatever handouts you folks manage to coerce out of the city. On second thought. You probably will.

So, as you choke on your appetizer, I most seriously suggest you do not attempt all the courses in the meal. It would prove to be more than you, thus far, have demonstrated you can handle.

Zee

random communication from the soon to appear "A White Woman Wonders if She is Racist and Does She Really Fucking Care?"

:: ann walker 6:27 AM [+]

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(boycott cincinnati spit and venom .. channel 5 news forums )

Color:

First. Thank you for the evenhanded tone of your posts. In that, I could certainly learn from you.

You say"We have to work with what we do have. And when the majority of us do finally figure it out, watch out America! "

You know what I say to that? Hallelujah!!! I have been spending a great deal of time attempting to examine my real attitudes about race. I am so angered by some who post here, my resulting posts could be easily construed as racist. And, trust me, I ask myself if indeed I am. Yet, even yet, I would state I am not . I have watched your race from afar all of my life . I have long admired the African American woman ( as well as being quite jealous with her apparent conspiracy with the fountain of youth. You simply age so beautifully ) I had always imagined how formidable you as a people will become simply because you have been through the fire. As trials carve the character and heart of an individual human being, I imagined so would they carve the character and heart of a race. I have speculated the 'white' race had better watch it's behind as it seemed our souls didn't burn with any particular fire and that we seem rather tepid and hollow in comparison. I still think that. Now, when an individual weathers the storm, they can come through their trials with bitterness and ill will, or resolute and gracious in spirit and character. We all know those who have grown from their trials, and those who have grown simply bitter. For my own private purposes of rumination, so I imagine the same processes occur in a race of people. And I guess that those are the many voices I hear in this forum. All I am attempting to say is, I damn well do hope you "figure it out", I truly do. But may the gracious and wise amongst you be those who do so, and please, let THAT voice be loudest, because, I swear to god, every time I hear damon lynch , I'm back to thinking I'm racist again.

random communication from the soon to appear "A White Woman Wonders if She is Racist and Does She Really Fucking Care?"

Zee
:: ann walker 6:17 AM [+]

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It's Lexington in a stretch this morning. No rain anticipated so the road should be sweet. I don't seem able to convey quite what the road is to me. Obviously it is refuge. I have long recognized the prolonged cocoon-ing I'm invested in, given I have now been driving two years. No human need become closer than the face I glance at in the rear view mirror. No conversation deeper than one hundred miles will permit. People leave fragments of their lives for me to ponder, glimpses of ways my life could have gone, I imagine, if I were not an ADD rattled, dissociative, counter phobic '6' with a few distracting addictions. Well, time to iron the old tux and play the role, one of the many facades I have assumed over the years.....

:: ann walker 3:56 AM [+]

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test5
:: ann walker 1:16 PM [+]

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test2
:: ann walker 12:25 PM [+]

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test site
:: ann walker 11:58 AM [+]

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There is a sadness that debates with me regarding it's legitimacy. It asserts that to invalidate all sadness is to void meaning. period. all is gray. I say, that is not necessarily so, that there just might be a way 'of being' that does not have life as a soap opera, yet can be lived with depth. I say all is 'story' and one must never start believing their story, their 'drama'. Then you're lost. Lost to the story, addicted like a drug to the plot line, swigging down doses of love and hate and pride and joy and lust like cheap bottles of wine on a bad night. Soon you loose all sense of owning your life. You forget you are the author. You get caught up with the other characters. You even start believing THEIR story lines. And maybe you can never find your way back out.
Well, I see most sadness, poignant moments though they can be, as great opportunities to become lost in the angst of the story. To be drawn in with strings of empathy or by nooses coiling up ropes of guilt. A good cry is a great diversion and the many roles sadness affords are alluring: martyr, saint, righteous leader, abused wife.....just endless. But insidious indeed. I abjure. Many pardons, no thanks.

Problem. Having extricated myself from most stories, ( other than the one I most sure I'm in but all but blind to), I'm in the rather unsettling position of having written myself pretty much out of a life. So far.

So. What to do on Planet Earth when not in make up. I wonder.

:: ann walker 4:01 PM [+]

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My god, why is it like moving the earth to just frigging write. For as many means and methods as I discover to keep the journal, I find 1000 tweaks and fixes to divert from the actual writing in the journal. I've been fucking with this blog for days now after a failed attempt to execute one two moths ago. Then, I fall under the deluded notion that I can design the offered blog just a tad more to my taste and then, proceed to waste hours trying to figure out html for colors and then hours at Visibone color site mixing and matching. And all along, I swear, I must truly believe that I am 'writing'.

A prom to do tonight. In east frigging jesus. Bethel. Oh well.

:: ann walker 9:31 AM [+]

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NaNa333 ( boycott cincinnati spit and venom .. channel 5 news forums )

Nana:
No one is saying that slavery is our excuse for our oppression, our oppression is a result of undealt with feeling that have been passed down from generation to generation since slavery. Slavery was just the catalyst

Zee responds:
...According to this statement, your "oppression" is due to to feelings you haven't resolved. Seems to put the onus on you to resolve them. As any therapist would tell you, no one can do the deep emotional work you seem to require but yourself. Perhaps you might consider investing time in therapy instead of boycotts...

Nana:
Your attitude, "I'm not having a problem so what's wrong with you," is a amck in the face.

Zee:

....Really now. Well, I'll be generous enough to suggest we are now even. I quite frankly am insulted that you think you have a right to my time and resources. The time it would take to attend to your implied problems that I so callously ignore. Well, guess what.. I do things a bit differently. I have lots of problems in my world, TONS of HUGE problems,but guess what? It's NOT YOUR problem!!! Get it? My problems are mine, yours are yours? I feel absolutely no inclination to expect anyone, at all, to commiserate with me, fund me, or change their way of life for me or whatever on GODS EARTH you guys think you want...

Nana:
There is not equal treatment in Cincinnati because white people don't realize what they are doing is wrong.

Zee:
... And WHAT, pray tell would this be? I hear 'oppress', but no specific incidents I'm 'doing something wrong' but no one will tell me what. And I simply do not want to hear another run down on slavery. Here! Now! In this city! WHAT am I doing to YOU?. Enlighten me with specifics. Frankly, you don't sound particularly oppressed to me...

Nana:
You think that because YOUR world is bright and clean that everyone else's is to.

Zee:
... Your point being what? That if my world IS comfortable, I'm obligated, in deference to your misery, to dirty mine up? Sorry, no white guilt here. Or perhaps you think I have some duty to go clean yours up? Sorry, don't have time for charity work or social work. I'm too busy attempting to make a living. Perhaps a foreign concept, but, oh well...

Nana:
And that if they have any types of problem it must be completely their fault and that YOUR wonderful society could not have anything to do with THEIR lack of comfort

Zee:
...Well, I'd have to say you are correct. I have absolutely nothing to do with your lack of comfort, money, education, food, or self esteem.. No more than you or any other citizen in this city has relevance to or responsibility for MY current financial woes, lost dreams, broken hopes, or any other sad tales of despair I could relate. That ANY of us all can relate. It's called LIFE. You either own your life or sell it to others in your begging and blaming. Whatever happened to pride?...

Nana:
Why should WE continue to support YOUR society, because NONE of the proceed would benefit a single minority.

Zee:
...This one may prove a tad difficult for you. If you happen to be a taxpayer, some of your money will inevitably end up helping the poor white trash your culture so disdains. Guess you could quit paying taxes. I suggest you shop ONLY at minority owned stores. Now don't let me catch you in my Kroger. I'll know your cheating. Get all your entertainment, sustenance, reading materials, CDs, computers, taxi rides, limo rides, electricity, telephone service, cell service, cable, radio shows, vacations.... any and all of it, from the minorities. Go for it! But you best be sure you stay away from those owned by the oppressive majority lest you be accused of hypocrisy. Oh, and if you're employed by one of these big, bad, majority meanies, you better quit if you want to maintain purity of boycott and conscience. Oh, and if none of it benefits you, then stop using the highways, airports, buses, or, entertainment parks, or, for that matter, quit using the constitution and right to free speech and assembly. Even though your culture has contributed richly and in myriad, admittedly largely unaccredited, ways , the majority of what this country and this city offers any of us has been built, so far, by all those you choose to cast as monsters. You know, Italians, Romanians, Japanese, Vietnamese, Poles,Russians, Germans, Jews, Greeks, Chinese , Orientals, and on and on. You know, Americans? Those whom you seem so eager to condemn as you simultaneously, via your strong arm political "leaders", attempt to extort your purported just due? YOU support our society??? ( your demarcation, not mine) Sorry,but perhaps you need to consider how long, how infinitely long, All of responsible society has been supporting you who so despise us....

random communication from the soon to appear "A White Woman Wonders if She is Racist and Does She Really Fucking Care?"
:: ann walker 7:47 PM [+]

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I am highly irritated that all insist emotions are mandatory to function as a full human being. I became interested in eradicating them at an early age, made orchestrated efforts to do so and for the most part succeeded. Or actually, what I achieved success in was separating myself from them. What is required is eliminating the 'need' for them. Loneliness and sadness still haunt me, at least until I recall I can 'decide' not to experience them. it's a precarious balance. Even as I write this part of me wishes there was a human here to explore where these thoughts might lead. More so, I recognize the need to have affirmation, more, quite pathetically, to be cherished, valued, or, the ultra despicable, word: loved. So. Why can I not just offer myself all that? Isn't my own self-regard of any merit? Why does it need to issue from outside me. I mean, the way it seems to work, I would end up in relationship with a person I 'created' anyway, someone most in line with my view of the planet, my filters selecting whoever is most compatible with my psyche. So in essence, whoever I would be attracted to would be 'created' by my psyche, needs, identity pattern...........so why can't I create a 'presence' or 'entity' within myself that would offer me it all w/out the hassle of the unpredictable human?.....so I touch myself, hug myself, kiss myself.........I'm all that I have and since all the reality that matters issues from y mind and perception, what does it matter that another human isn't present? what indeed.........
random journal entry...fromApril 14,'99

:: ann walker 6:37 PM [+]

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desire. hunger. desire. ravenous. i am ravenous.
....to surrender. to feel. lay me down and devour me before i have no taste. no odor.
have me now when yet the flesh is ripe and can satisfy you. take
me now when i yet may pretend it matters. i am a woman who has not known the blood of love.
i am a woman who has traveled the map of a man and found no sanctuary.
i am a woman abandoned to desert and drought. i sift through ashes seeking memories of fire.
is there not one? just fucking one? who might reach me?
my lips are parted. trembling. begging succulence.
permeate me. sever me. no. be a seed in my gut and birth passion. i hunger.
desire is for those who have tasted and want more. desire?
i taste dust. desire? grit searing my tongue. desire? wet me. desire? no....not enough
:: ann walker 4:26 PM [+]

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